Nancy Shohet West
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Off to a good start with your memoir – now what?

11/26/2018

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I have mentioned before that about half my memoir clients are people who have previously told me they do not need my services because they are writing their memoirs themselves.
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Usually I offer this statistic in the context of marketing: these same people often prove to be my best prospects, six months hence. I often joke about it, telling them to just keep my business card in their Rolodex – these are people old enough to know what a Rolodex is – just in case they eventually decide they could use a little help.

But what I’ve been thinking about recently is not just the barebones fact that half of my memoir clients have previously told me they’re writing their memoirs themselves and then they eventually give up, but also what they sometimes show me as the memoir work they’ve done. Typically at our first meeting they present me with a sheaf of papers, sometimes three pages, sometimes thirty. What I’m expecting when they tell me they’ll show me what they’ve done so far on their memoir is a rough draft, or a half-written book, or some substantial start to the project.

But what they usually actually have is a few random essays about significant moments from their past. They’ll show me a piece about their grandparents, or about fishing, or about a summer spent in New York City.

And then I realize why it is that they started out on the project themselves but then gave up: they’ve been working so hard on one perfect essay that they can’t imagine writing enough of these pieces to string together into a complete book. These clients may have spent weeks or even months in an adult ed narrative nonfiction class perfecting this one 1,000-word essay on fishing. How can they be expected to repeat that fifty or sixty more times to make a book? It’s no wonder they give up.

My style is different from theirs. As a journalist, I’m accustomed to collecting facts and details quickly to lay out the foundation of a story, and then asking the questions that will flesh it out. We start with those facts so near and dear to a journalist: Who, what, where, when. Then I ask them for more: more details, more memories, more description. This makes the story come alive.

It’s a different approach from drilling down into one memory, but there are plenty of ways to accommodate those previously drafted pieces as well. Sometimes I use my clients’ essays to inform myself about segments of their lives, and this helps me to know what areas to focus on; other times I’m able to include their essays in their entirety, as discrete chapters.

So the writing they did in an adult ed class or in a writing group or on their own doesn’t go to waste. And any writing is good writing practice, of course, even if the actual sentences crafted never see the light of day. But my value proposition is that I get the job done. I work from start to finish and thread together the whole story, without getting distracted trying to write the perfect essay on fishing or the impeccable description of a college trip to Europe.

I’m always happy to hear people say they’re working on their memoir themselves. Memoir writing is important and worthwhile whether you do it yourself or work with a writing consultant like me. But I’m especially happy when people who previously said they didn’t want any help reconsider. I know they’ve gotten their project off to a good start. And I know I can take that good start and turn it into a finish.

Do you have some pieces started toward your memoir project? Want to talk about how I can help you move your project along? Be in touch any time! 
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Don't wait for your memorial service to reveal your most interesting self

11/5/2018

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Through coincidences of fate and timing, I attended two memorial services this past weekend: one for a long-time community leader named Art; the other for my friend Nicole’s mother, Suzanne. 

Though held at different churches in different towns, both services were Unitarian, and in keeping with the modern Unitarian tradition, the hour allotted to each one was filled with personal stories, anecdotes, and reminiscences: many amusing, some poignant, all engaging and insightful. Though the two people being memorialized had very little in common, at each service, the closest friends and family members of the deceased stood up to recount examples of their loved one’s unique approach to life. For Art, this included snow hiking, motorcycling riding and camping; for Suzanne, we heard about her penchant for daring fashions and hairstyles, going on the first date with the man she would marry on a dare from a co-worker, and strong-arming a job offer for a young relative from a golf buddy. Art was remembered for his impatience with anyone who failed to stay well-informed about politics, Suzanne for her fervent struggle to stay sober while grieving for her husband. 

After Suzanne’s service, attendees offering their condolences to her daughter said time and again, “I never knew that about your mother. What a life she led!” 

Art had fewer secrets. Many of us sitting in the pews knew about his penchant for adventure travel, his boarding school hijinks, his decision to take up paragliding at the age of eighty. He discussed all of these aspects of his life often. But also, he’d preserved all these memories in his memoir, which I wrote with him a year ago. Neither of us knew then how little time he had left; it was just something he’d always wanted to do, and his three adult children were gently urging him to get it done so that his eight grandchildren could start reading about his life. 

The experience of attending a memorial service for one of my memoir clients was new to me. I certainly wasn’t there for the purpose of taking credit for his project, but I was touched by the fact that the minister referred to the book one or twice in her homily and the book itself was displayed next to the guest book at the reception afterwards. I was even more touched by how many of the guests at the lunch reception mentioned to me that they’d read the book – some knowing that I had written it, others not. 

Guest after guest approached his three children at the reception, more often to share their own memories of time spent with Art, usually skiing or fishing or road-tripping, than to offer traditional condolences. I stood by, listening and enjoying the way his children savored these stories. But I didn’t hear anyone saying to them, “I had no idea that your father....” Well, mostly that's because Art liked to tell stories. But it’s also because they read his book. 

Not everyone’s life includes paragliding or cross-country motorcycle trips the way Art’s did. But that makes them no less memoir-worthy. My clients tell me captivating stories about all kinds of aspects of their lives, from giving birth and tending to their families to world travel, from the most remarkable adventures to the most poignant losses. But it seems no matter what stories they reveal, someone close to them who reads the memoir can point to something in their book and say, “I never knew about this!” 
 
Occasionally, when I’m talking to a prospective client who is on the fence about a memoir project – typically reticent more out of modesty than genuine aversion to the idea – I feel comfortable enough with them to play the funeral card. “Tell your story now, so that people won’t have to learn how remarkable you were only when they attend your memorial service,” I tell them. “Let people find out how interesting you are through your own words, not when your children tell stories about you because you’re gone.” 
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It may sound like a marketing tactic. But it’s also absolutely true. This weekend, through the unfortunate timing of attending back-to-back memorial services, I witnessed firsthand just how accurate this perspective is. 
 
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